overwhelmed

As we grow older, we realise that we have more freedom. However, with this comes responsibility. Which is often ignored or forgotten about.

As I grow older, I find myself doing things that I told myself that i would never do.. Things that made me wonder how dumb and not disciplined pple cld be to being all those things..

For instance, I drink beer now.. I used to be disgusted at the sight of women drinking beer, or drinking for the matter of fact.. But now I drink beer. And i actually like it.. I think it's cool and cheap and light and at times even tastes nice. DUMB RIGHT! But I do it anyways..The worst part is that I don't even exercise on a regular basis..  I run maybe twice a week and then start again 2 weeks later.. That is terrible for me, my weight, my body and my soul..

But the question is how did I change into this person? Is it the company I am with? Most likely.. But moer importantly I have always learnt and known the fact is I AND ONLY I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL MY LIFE.. I drank because I allowed myself to.. And the only road to redemption is to be discipline..

Another thing I feel as i grow older. I feel more selfish, and i worry about things.. most importantly I worry about my parents.. I actually feel that I want to stay with them for the rest of my life.. Even though I am alone, I would rather do everything for them because I trust them the most and I know that it is worth it.. Rather than doing things for someone else who is just "no-words to describe such a person". I haven't gotten that trust, I worry my ass of and it's very overwhelming. I don't wanna leave I don't wanna spend my money on you.. I don't want to do anything for you.. Because I don't know.. I am just waiting for a sign of relief, comfort, assurance that you can do the job come wad may.. you will be the best you can.. But I haven't and it really sucks..I need someone to take care of me.. It's not that I can't take care of myself.. I can take care of myself, but if that's the case then I don't need you.. It's tat simple.

If you can take care of me. Then i WILL DEFINITELY TAKE CARE OF YOU.. But you can't, you dunno how to and you want me to wait an entire lifetime to find out that one day it will happen..

I am at wits end! I want to have my space and take my time and it's either i psycho myself into this or I wait for a miracle..

since you make me wait .. This time you can wait..