pathetic

I have alot to rant about... And alot to complain.. I still haven't got any answers yet.. Toso many of my questions... As usual I got to wait!! And when the going gets tough I spill the beans very harshly and bluntly because I have no filter..

I feel so heartless and un wanted... I have lost the purpose to live.. I am merely living everyday like a dead person with no heart.. Almost as sad as the tin man from Wizard of OZ... When I stop to ask myself who in my family would I go and ask for help in times of trouble.. I couldn't think of anyone.. Not even my parents.. Not that they wouldn't help me, but it would come with a painful price and make me feel awfully uncomfortable.. I have a few friends I can rely on.. But then who else... my other half... yes I could..

I need a good break.. and I can't wait to go to phuket with my colleague who has been very co-operative and practical.. hope it wil be a good trip.. I just need to get away from everything that is drowning me... I feel pathetic..

CA1 results came in.. it is a bittersweet feeling.. I had bouts of mini heartattacks throughout the weak as I marked.. But nothing could beat today.. I was in such an awful mood after a horrible tiff and to make things worse PERIOD! and to top it all off the science results really cut me!

I just couldn't believe it!! I was drowning in the swimming pool of sadness!! HOW HORRID!! HOW LONELY!!...

on the flip side, my form class, kinda likes me a tad bit more.. I tried playing mind games with them telling them they'd be getting a new teacher after the mar hols and they were sooooo upset the entire day!!! hahahaha.. but of course i told them the truth later on.. haha..as much as they annoy me they often find some way to make me laugh...I NEED MY OWN HOUSE!! WITH NOONE IN IT!!



"When a man's an empty kettle,
He should be on his mettle,
And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kinda human
If I only had a heart."
-tin man

When my body gave in....

Recently, I have been carrying a huge burden around with me. I have been working like nobody's business. Trying to make as much as i could. Not only was I drained physically, I was mentally torturing myself with alot of issues that I became so numb towards many things which I once shared a great passion for. With my family's health deteriorating, and my filial responsibilities spilling in, with my own relationship that i pushed away to a corner. I was trying to figure out how to strike a balance. And when I ran out of all the energy i could give, my body gave in. I fell sick, but still persevered and pushed. Was told and spoke to very nastily. I mean, why do you get your priorities wrong!

And amidst all this I got my heart broken and couldn't forgive how much a person can strike back knowing that their victim has already suffered a lost. And yesterday, I felt like I was carrying this huge load with a heavy heart and heavy head, with the skin on my back being tugged by thick metal chains. And I consoled myself, I told myself that things were getting better. I felt anxious and tired the whole time.

And this morning, god reminded me. TO STOP! TOSTOP AND PUT MYSELF FIRST BEFORE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE. My body gave in as i brushed my teeth. My vision blurred. I held on to the sink so desperately to regain sight. But my body gave in. The next thing I could recall was hearing a loud thud, probably caused by my head hitting the floor, i quickly picked myself up grabbed my tooth brush, squeezed out some tooth paste and wanted to brush my teeth. But once again, my vision started to blur. I scrammed to the kitchen table and sat on the chair. Thats when my parents came to help me..

A painful reminder, but a worthy one..

A dead blog!

I know that my blog has been pretty quiet and dead for some time. Thinking of changing it into a teaching blog. I have been spending alot of time building resources for my class and chanced upon teaching blogs of U.S teachers and it's pretty awesome and extremely inspiring. I haven't gotten down to fully setting up my class room but we're holding up pretty alright.

This year I have alot of responsibilities and alot of projects to work on. Furthermore, I dug my own grave by signing up for tuition which I really can't cope for much longer. No idea how to break teh news to them but I have to.Tuition means a very good amount of money but extra time means less time for myself and sprucing up lessons.

I like my students alot. They are a naughty bunch of cute kids. However, they do find some way to cheer me up by the end of the day. I often preach what i believe in almost everyday, which is to respect others, be humble and never hurt one another. Also to be considerate and think how their actions are going to affect others. I find my self repeating everyday, but I guess  with children, you have to.

Its been almost 2 weeks since I even raised my voice in class. All thanks to whole brain teaching strategy. It's awesome. I use it constantly and tweak it abit here and there. I have yet to set up the birthday and goodies corner,  thinking and calming down corner and the goals corner. I also haven't jazz up my class door with the vital statistics of my class! haha..  And haven't I done all these yet.. Because my time is eaten up in track, remedials, supplementary, focus group, safety duties, projects, assembly presentations, work reviews, lesson plans, markings, attendance cases and the list goes on.

And tuition...oh gawd....

Things have been pretty chaotic at home, my parents are not at their pink of health esp my dad and there is alot of tension. I have alot of issues to deal with and decisions to make. And since my life has revolved around my work, I don't have the time to sit and think. Oh what do I do!  I have all these questions.. And I need to find the answers. I know that I need to help out my parents as much as possible financially. But at the same time how about my future? I have always depended on myself for everything. It makes me very uncomfortable to ask for help and I avoid it at all costs. I fear that I will not have enough to support myself and fuel my dreams and plans for my future at the same time I can't compromise my duties to my parents. And the most frustrating thing amongst all this is that my siblings don't give two hoots about it!! I mean seriously, are we from the same womb? Infact they only make the situation worse..

My relationship with my soulmate is actually going on smoothly for now. I guess we're too busy with our lives to quarrell or even hold a grudge with each other. Futhermore, if there's anything that teaching has given back to me, it would to be patient.I am almost indifferent to alot of things. I feel like the person I was when I ran competitively. Which is awesome. Also we got positive feedback about our marriage issues and we are thrilled to hear the good that are come our ways and what we have to do.

My relationship with god has been pretty neglected. Which is bad... because if there is anyone I have depended on it would be god. And I really need to make that effort.

Because I am so super busy. Yes I am honestly busy, no time to watch tv! I spend lesser time with the people i use to visit pretty often, barely get the chance to go clubbing with them or even talk. But with family they will never understand! Like I said I am indifferent, simply because I am not dependent on anyone for anything. At times I feel like delievering the pie from the help to some pple. But, otherwise, I couldn't care less, because I know the pple who love me and care for me truly understand my position and let me know that they are always looking out for me..

Oh ya, did I mention. Me and my darling Navin bought our first home. Which will take a while to arrive but it's all for the good of our wonderful future together.

Happy days yall'!

Engaged

Yes I'm engaged.. And so blessed to have the man I love so much do this for meeeee!!! I was pleasantly surprised on my birthday twice.. Firstly by my darling friends and I can't thank crystal enough for her mastermind tactics to have strategically pulled this off together with navin and friends.. I was so confident that I knew what was going on.. But in actually fact I didn't!! hahaha... Not only they pulled it of with an awesome location and food, but gave me an agnes b bracelet!! awesome... dumped my tiffany for it!!! hahaha..

Navin cleverly tricked me by acting like a waiter and delievering the ring box on a tray to me!! haha.. And yes HE LIKED IT AND HE HAS PUT A RING ON IT!!! hahahaha... even threw in a "why I asked sangee to marry me" speech.. haha.. super cute..

This is my first major surprise b.day I've ever gotten in my life!!And it was the best feeling ever.. I had a mini surprise for my 21st.. that was nice too...

Can't thank the mastermind of  this.. crystal.. I am very grateful to you.. Can't think of a better human being on earth than you!! haha.. IN MY NEXT LIFE I WANNA MARRY YOU HONEH!!.. I will be born enrique for you.. HAHAHAHAHA..

Not many friends will bother to organise such things, because of the hassle and all but I am so grateful to have friends like trina, han siong, kumster, moses, gina!!!

awesome you guys.....

I was surprised at the response i got on fb and from my family.. my family was actually really happy for me.. Normally indian pple dun really care.. but from his side only a handful of them were happy..

But I don't really care.. hahaha.. I mean I can jump of up joy for all I care!! woot woot..

my collection this year wasn't so bad..

ang pao from dad

bum handbag and ferragamo perfume from mom

dress from sis

armani watch and engagement ring from fiance

surprise b.day party and agnes b bracelet from my dolls..

pretty fun i'd say!!

life is not a lily road to success

I am stumped.. I have learnt a couple of things which have made me think about alot of things..

Let me begin with housing. I guess the best thing to do is apply for the ones that just come in. And about the rest, think about it when money flows in like a waterfall.And yes, I haven't got a choice but to take the yishun one. Well, the good thing is at least it is at the edge of yishun tipping towards lentor..

Secondly, I have decided to totally forgo my brother from my life. Simply because he just means bad news, and has only ill intentions for me and my loved ones.. So let him incur my wrath and burn in hell for all i care. He's one sick piece of shit!

Thirdly, marriage has to wait because my darling hasn't finihsed him studying and I can ony imagine how horrid it would feel to be part of something when you haven't accomplished the major thing for yourself.. So I'll cut him some slack..

Thirdly this increment needs to speed up abit more. and by a larger fold.
I need to shop for christmas, simply because.. hahaha..

Fourthly, my b.day's ard the corner.. and my wishlist is building up.
wishlist for my silvery 25:
- b.day bash! (comeon I've lived a quarter century!! I need a birthday bash alr!)
- melissa shoes!!
- of course new clothes for my b.day bash!
- perfume, preferaby a flowery scent by ck, ferragamo, estee lauder or lancome..
- a nice bag that is suitably big but not too big to go out with..(will specify the details)
- I am gonna get another tiffany bracelet.. or maybe another brand...dunno yet..
oh well.. the list will continue.. but we'll hold it at that for now!!

learning

Lifelong learning.. I understood the meaning when I met Vincent.. My student who is diagnosed with asperger. Sometimes I can identify so much with him to the point where I am somewhat convinced that I might have asperger too.. But of course that is bullshit.. Asperger is a subset of utism. Only difference is that there are extremely intelligent. Imagine if a primary one boy is able to look at a multiplication sentence and reverse and rewrite it into a division sentence all by himself.. It is extremely tiring and sometimes i just feel like banging my head into the wall.. However, most of the times he is extremely adorable.. Except for when we have meltdowns in class. It breaks my heart to see him victimise himself and cry.. And today was one major meltdown. Usually I have my hp on standby so that i can buzz the allied educator to come to my class.. ( ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY IN A P1 CLASS BECAUSE EVERYONE TENDS TO BE A K-POH!) hOWEVER THE AED had gone on a week's leave.. So I had to calm myself down.. Manipulate the other kids into doing the a fun worksheet and attend to Vincent whilst listening to Vincent wail at the top of his voice. Did I mention?

Today was the first day of PSLE..

My darling vincent had to be reassured. And because he need reasons and he goes on and on asking the same thing.. I wrote him a letter and asked him to read with me while i wrote it. And so it did.. At times he would think of the worst and breakdown again.. But i would immediately snap him out of it and move on to the next thing. Thank god.

It is a learning process for the both of us. I learn patience and he learns social skills or at least he is exposed to it. Step by step.

It isn't just vincent who has affected my life it the whole lot of students I teach. Some cry, some laugh, some are nice and some are rude. After a day's work and saving these kids from leading an illiterate life all i want to do is nothing. I want to go home and not worry about anything.. I want to be alone.

Just yesterday, I realise that my life is filled with many people. But I only hold a few close to me.. My immediate family, my boyfriend's family and a few of my friends. And I realise how much of a lonely life I had led to enjoy it.

I think now that I know the path I am headed towards.. The only thing left to do is to execute it well.. As for all other things, I will hold it constant. Ceteris paribus.

Relationships stagnated. Because I don't intend to give my 100% at it anymore.. I hope it doesn't depreciate to an extent to which it is irrecoverable.

On the flip side, I am a happy person still with a positive attitude.Could be healthier still working on it. And most importantly I know the purpose of my life. Not to get married and start a family, not to earn a shit load of cash and get a fancy car and live in a condo.. But to help others who are in need of my help. And I promise you I will fulfil that.

overwhelmed

As we grow older, we realise that we have more freedom. However, with this comes responsibility. Which is often ignored or forgotten about.

As I grow older, I find myself doing things that I told myself that i would never do.. Things that made me wonder how dumb and not disciplined pple cld be to being all those things..

For instance, I drink beer now.. I used to be disgusted at the sight of women drinking beer, or drinking for the matter of fact.. But now I drink beer. And i actually like it.. I think it's cool and cheap and light and at times even tastes nice. DUMB RIGHT! But I do it anyways..The worst part is that I don't even exercise on a regular basis..  I run maybe twice a week and then start again 2 weeks later.. That is terrible for me, my weight, my body and my soul..

But the question is how did I change into this person? Is it the company I am with? Most likely.. But moer importantly I have always learnt and known the fact is I AND ONLY I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL MY LIFE.. I drank because I allowed myself to.. And the only road to redemption is to be discipline..

Another thing I feel as i grow older. I feel more selfish, and i worry about things.. most importantly I worry about my parents.. I actually feel that I want to stay with them for the rest of my life.. Even though I am alone, I would rather do everything for them because I trust them the most and I know that it is worth it.. Rather than doing things for someone else who is just "no-words to describe such a person". I haven't gotten that trust, I worry my ass of and it's very overwhelming. I don't wanna leave I don't wanna spend my money on you.. I don't want to do anything for you.. Because I don't know.. I am just waiting for a sign of relief, comfort, assurance that you can do the job come wad may.. you will be the best you can.. But I haven't and it really sucks..I need someone to take care of me.. It's not that I can't take care of myself.. I can take care of myself, but if that's the case then I don't need you.. It's tat simple.

If you can take care of me. Then i WILL DEFINITELY TAKE CARE OF YOU.. But you can't, you dunno how to and you want me to wait an entire lifetime to find out that one day it will happen..

I am at wits end! I want to have my space and take my time and it's either i psycho myself into this or I wait for a miracle..

since you make me wait .. This time you can wait..